In God's Hands

"Infinity is where I began......infinity is where I will end....until then, I will live and love life to the fullest" Vlc

In January, a routine annual physical showed a malignant tumor in my right breast and calcifications in the left one. I'd felt some underarm pain for a few weeks prior to the appointment but attributed it to a muscle pull. That was not the case. It has now affected my lymph nodes. I have rejected the treatment plan of the professionals. There will be no surgery. No chemotherapy. No radiation. I will only accept palliative care. I made this choice to lessen the mental and physical suffering one goes through during the treatment process that may or may not be successful. Our company has a partnership with the University Of Colorado Medical Centers ( UC Health) to provide transportation to Oncology patients. Most have anxiety and pain from the surgeries and radiation that literally burns areas near the actual tumor. If Chemotherapy is used to combat the tumors growing, it's always a downside....usually nausea tiredness, and an unwell feeling. Seeing this has made my choice easy. I remember the pain, depression, and overall sickness I had when undergoing cancer treatment in 2003 and 2010 I want to be active and productive. I want to be able to indulge in my hobbies without reservation or just plain disinterest because of illness.

Living with cancer creates vulnerability, but as in the past, I will lean into and rely on the lifelong spiritual collective vulnerability that in turn gives me spiritual collective strength to live. Whether that be for another day, another month, or another year. I believe spirituality is inextricably tied to a power greater than all of us. My mother lived for two years after her diagnosis with a treatment plan consisting of Tylenol for the pain, cannabis, and a change in her diet. I walk peacefully in her spirit, although I am anxious about having to do this without her holding my hand. I think it is the reason grief of her passing is an unwelcomed partner leaving some days without sun. However, the blessing of having my family and close friends draws me back from that chasm, reminded by them of the implicit agreement I made to always be in their lives even in a spiritual sense.

To think, I have been on Earth for seventy-four years barely aware of how we change in a lifetime. As time gets shorter, I feel the metamorphosis inside me. Some days are a breeze. Others are difficult to manage.

I remember praying to God for the opportunity to see Angela become a wife and a mother and be emotionally well when I experienced my first cancer episode. I asked that He give me a chance to rectify /change my self-center self-abating behaviors to again be the caring woman shielded by my addiction to negative people and substances. Thankfully, I was given that chance and have personal as well as professional accomplishments. But what is most important to me are the many folks who I touched emotionally and spiritually with a smile, gesture, or kind words. In my prayers to Him now, I ask only that with each dawn and wakening I continue to smile on someone's day. It's as simple as that.