Strength, Courage, Wisdom

"If you do not transform from your pain, it was all for naught!" VLC 2019

Recovery from all the life issues in the last few years has been tough on our family. But, we have survived. By faith, we again have relationships that will carry us through. I am forever in debt to Angela for her courageous attitude in caring for her family while painstakingly caring for my mother and I. Without her, I would not be the person I am today. I certainly would not have two amazing grandsons whose eyes smile when they see me. Motherhood has made remaining sober a lighter task than I thought it would be. There was never any sun in addiction. If Angela had not said how abandoned she felt whenever I went on my missions, I probably would have continued being the best I could be in the criminal world. That world was a snap for me because it was all about deception. No honesty. It was the world of responsibility..... being available for my family.... for life's ups and downs, that I found difficult. I mothered long distance for four years, excusing it with the term everyone used back then "Finding myself". Angela never complained. In my mind, I thought my going home a couple of times a year eliminated that problem. And, she came to San Diego during spring and summer breaks. When we were apart, she wrote these letters of love and encouragement. In my fogged mind, I thought she was alright. But, she wasn't. She needed her mother. Mom was caring for her and Grandma while working an eight-hour day job. It was taxing to them to care for a teenage girl with Angela's spunk and drive. As I went about loving other people's children, my LA family became a surrogate and savior for me. One of my longtime friends, Sister Cookie's primary objective in raising her three children to survive was to keep them rooted in God and His Plan. I truly owe my lifestyle change to her and to her children, who I am blessed to call my "kids", for caring for and about me during the months I stayed with them struggling to get a hold of my affair with cocaine. Her care and the non-judgmental way would finally hit home. We both were sad when I left California for Colorado. But, we knew I needed my biological family after the years of self-abuse. We both also knew the stress of family up close sometimes results in relapse. It was going to be a mountain to climb. All the idiotic behaviors under the influence were what I would have to deal with in sobriety. All the ugly things said had to be addressed....again, in sobriety. Healing all relationships torn apart by my selfishness and lack of empathy when caring folks attempted to intervene has been a way for me to again bring connecting sources together. I thought Facebook was just another invasion of privacy when I first approached to try it. I know now it is a valuable asset to connect to those no longer living near me that I need for that spiritual touch.